good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
My breasts were aching with rage.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
