i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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