you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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