Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
