i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
