Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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