I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Randomize
