The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
either way he was missing a nipple.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
