I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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