Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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