"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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