My sheets look like a crime scene.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
So here I am, sexting at work.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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