So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
