i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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