bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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