Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
