Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
