I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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