Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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