he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
