I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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