1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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