Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
my poor anus
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
