as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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