Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Randomize
