Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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