i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I faked an abortion last night.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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