my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
