Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
