so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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