i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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