IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
pray to the hookup gods
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
