My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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