I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
