I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
