Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
