Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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