That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
