Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
