You can't special order awesome
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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