oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
