Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
