1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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