Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
