Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
