wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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