That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
