shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
