In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
