It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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